Song above:  When Mercy Found Me by Rhett Walker Band.

I belong to a couple of wonderful support groups whose members have supported me along with my wonderful neighbor/friends, co-worker, my great fabulous boss and her husband, my church group, friends, but most importantly my most incredible, wonderful, caring, loving husband and my sweet, sensitive, loving, gifted daughter.  I could not have gone through it all without you!  You all know who you are!!  Thank you from the bottom of my heart!!  I have been blessed where I am today.

Someone I knew for quite a few years who was beautiful, sweet and kind to me, who asked how I was always doing during our girls night outings over the years, who had such a cute gorgeous haircut and style of clothes, wonderful family and husband, ended up taking her life.  Why!!!  I am heartbroken when I heard the news yesterday.  I pray for family members, friends, and of course her dear sister/neighbor/friend of mine whom I love.  My neighbor/friend and her husband have gone through so much over the years and now this tragic event that took place with her sister.  I pray for my dear friend and her wonderful, caring, giving husband.

I started thinking this morning how precious life really is.  I have always known this, before my cancer, and I have always stopped to smell the roses and appreciated life.  It is not like I needed cancer for me to realize this.  I really started thinking when my journey began with breast cancer.

It seems from all the stories I have been hearing and reading lately, the results of being told “YOU HAVE CANCER” was told at the worst time.  Some were driving in a car, in a meeting at work, getting off a plane, at their daughter’s school function, in a grocery store, at a son’s soccer game, when trying to finish Christmas Eve preparations (geesh), on their birthday, etc.  There HAS TO BE a better way of getting the results.  My results were told to me, day after my double breast biopsy.  I was previously told it would take a week to get results.  I was at home (THANK GOD) on a Friday around 5:03 PM (closing time for all clinics and doctor’s offices for the weekend) and was told by someone I don’t know and never met.  I was NOT told what type of cancer I had, just that I had cancer in BOTH breasts and I need to call a breast surgeon and oncologist Monday morning.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  That weekend was the longest weekend in my life.  I bet I aged a ton of years during those 63 hours, waiting to call the breast surgeon Monday morning to see if I was dying.  I was in no mood to call an oncologist.  Just the thought of it made me want to throw up.  I figured since I had cancer in both breasts, my cancer was spreading like wild-fire and I was going to die in a few weeks.  I was an emotional mental wreck, basically a big ball of mess, yet trying to keep my composure for my husband and daughter’s sake.  I had NO IDEA this is when my roller coaster ride would begin.

Swimsuit season will be here before you know it.  I started looking on line and then realized, I don’t have to be looking for swimsuit solutions for size D breasts.  In fact, I don’t even know what I will be looking like until after February 18th, 2015, when implants are placed or known as the exchange.

Expanders are starting to get really uncomfortable.  I am at 400 cc and these fluid filled plastic footballs are really starting to bother me.  Feels like the plastic edges are cutting into the muscle in some areas.  I want to spread my arms out all the time or place my hands on my hips to give my chest some relief.

What is really, really difficult to comprehend and get accustomed too is how I can flex my expanders, just like a guy flexing his chest/pecs.  Not only can I flex my chest voluntary, but I sometimes do involuntary, like trying to twist off the lid of a pickle jar.  It is quite embarrassing.  Hahaha.  Oh, well.  🙂

I have been trying to figure out what size I truly want to be and quite honestly, I HAVE NO IDEA!   Here is my chance to pick the right size boobs or what people call foobs (fake boobs) and I cannot figure it out.  I have always been a size C.  I am small framed.  Then in the last few years, I EXPLODED (as my husband puts it) to a size D.  Being a big bust size just makes you look BIG, even though you are really not THAT big.  Being top heavy, makes you look heavy.  Also, whenever I look for swimsuits, the first thing I think of is trying to minimize my bust size or making sure I have good coverage to cover my boobs.  Lastly, I was tired of wearing button blouses and having the material between the buttons pop out where you can see your bra.  It is also uncomfortable and I felt self conscious when working out in front of people.

My outpatient surgery for the goods, also known as implants, will be February 18th.  I don’t want to find out, after surgery, that I am too small for the size I want to be or too big.  I had talked to my precious daughter who gave me an idea of getting myself measured by one of the staff at JC Penney’s.  After work, I stopped at JC Penney and spoke to Leah.  She was extremely helpful.  She measured me and told me I am currently a full size B and “IF” I was going to wear a bra, I will need a 36 C.  She said a 36 C is known as the perfect size. Yay!!!

Now I feel like I am in a dilemma.  I am going for my pre-op visit to the plastic surgeon January 30th, in 4 days.  At this visit, I can stay right where I am at in boob size and if so, then I will have to get another fill.  Why?  To make myself bigger and make room for the surgeon to take out expanders and put in implants.  The other choice is not get a fill and be the size I was with the last fill which I have decided, as of today, my expanders are too small.   Another thing that I am unsure of is, do you go down in size somewhat with the new implants? All of this is confusing for me.  This should not be that difficult!!!!  Argggg!!!   If I need to be even larger by having another fill, then surgery will be have to be postponed because after a fill, you have to wait around 3 weeks for the skin and muscle to heal before the implants go in.

I tried putting on a bra over these expanders and it is not easy because these foobs DON’T MOVE!  When you try to lay down on your side, the foobs do not touch each other.  This is not the same as implants that are behind breast tissue or your own set of real boobs.

Ray does not care what size I pick.  He has felt and held the implants in his own hands.  Ray wants me to feel comfortable in a swimsuit when I am going to do water aerobics in the near future.  He also kept reminding me how much I disliked my real boobs and how I wanted to get a breast reduction.  Even my daughter reminded me the same thing and how I had difficulty picking out shirts and blouses to wear.

It is going to be interesting what my Plastics will say to me this Friday and if surgery will still be set for February 18th, 2015.

Here is a Facebook post:  Great news. My last 2 drains came out this morning. It burned and felt like gurgling sensation went on across my chest. I have areas of swelling and I’m sore, but that means I go off antibiotics starting tomorrow and getting off other medications. I’m progressing very well and next week, I start with filling of my expanders. I’m very thankful and appreciate each brand new day.

I was a nervous wreck for this appointment.  I did take a pain-killer before this visit.  Ray went with me as he has been to every appointment.  I still had fluid buildup and my drains were still producing over 30 cc of fluid, more like 50 cc.  The last of my two drains had to be pulled or the tubes inside my body were going to attach to tissue.  The nurse cut my incisions that were placed around each tube.  The first tube on my right side was difficult to pull and quite snug.  The second tube even more difficult.  The first 2 drains that were pulled almost a week ago was much easier, but those tubes were not far enough in the chest wall like these last 2 drains.  I began to wonder if the tubes were going to come out okay.  When tubes were pulled, the area surrounding the tube in my chest stung at first, and then it felt like the fluid found open space where drain tubes once were and the there was the gurgling feeling.  You could feel the fluid moving, in the open spaces where the tube once was earlier which created a creepy sensation.  My plastic surgeon was out-of-town for Thanksgiving and the nurse who removed my tubes did a fabulous job.  I held Ray’s hand and squeezed it.  It was sitting up on the bench with my legs dangling and kept swinging them while the nurse performed the procedure.  I bet my blood pressure was super high.  The nurse took pictures of my chest and these were sent to the plastic surgeon.  All was good.  I went home and tried to eat something and then slept.  I was tubeless and drainless the day before Thanksgiving.  Yay!

Nat King Cole – Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Here is my Facebook post:

Last night, I decided to move from the recliner to the bed.  This is extremely difficult for me because let’s face it, I am an 80% stomach sleeper, 15% side sleeper, and 5% back sleeper.  Having to sleep on my back 100% is extremely uncomfortable.  In the middle of the night, I literally sat on my knees and leaned forward and put my head on the pillow.  I was so tired and started to fall asleep while being in this position, but Ray kept bothering me and telling me I can’t go to sleep like this and finally, I rolled over and laid on my back.  I just hated this whole cancer ordeal.  I can’t get comfortable to fall asleep.

Yes, I could go on and on, but I am thankful for my life.  I always have been.  It is not like I needed to get cancer to realize how special life really has to offer because I have always stopped to smell the roses and appreciated everything.  One thing I have a tough time dealing with and honestly?  I suck at it which is faith.  Yep, I suck at faith, but Ray has ALWAYS passed with flying colors.  Here are some of my favorite quotes as of 15 years ago:

• The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt within the heart. – Helen Keller

  Your talent is God’s gift to you. What you do with it is your gift back to God.Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved. – Helen Keller

  Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. – Joshua J. Marine

  Life’s a box of chocolates. You never know what you’re gonna get. (from the movie Forrest Gump).

• Everything happens for a reason! Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere, safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

Help Me Find It Sidewalk Prophets from the album Live Like That

Ray and I went to the breast surgeon office visit.  I absolutely love my surgeon and very thankful to have her in my life.  I was going to miss her and her medical assistant.  My surgeon said the path report was not finalized yet and I am not to worry.  There were 2 breasts that needed to be looked over with a fine tooth comb and pathologist has to prove there was no invasion.  Surgeon said pathologist is probably moving “rocks and stones” looking for anything out of the norm and once she gets path report back, she will call me right away.

She also stated “IF” there was something found on path report and needs attention, like more surgery (lymph node removal), she will schedule immediate surgery in the next few days.  Then, she stated she was not worried about the path report.  Otherwise, I looked great and breast surgeon was pleased with the plastic surgeon’s reconstruction.  My breast surgeon also wanted me to schedule and see the oncologist within the week to see if anything more needed to be done.  I didn’t understand that I had to see the oncologist again, since the oncologist said if I had a double mastectomy, I would not need chemo, radiation, or tamoxifen.  Great, a couple more hurdles to deal with.

Ray and I left the clinic and I had an uneasy feeling about the path report.  In fact, what in the world?  I thought I was finished.  Done!!  No more office visits, no tamoxifen, and all I really need to do is to finish up with the plastic surgeon to get expanders filled, removed, and have implants put in known as “The Exchange.”  So why in the world did the surgeon say she could schedule me if needed to have emergency surgery?  My mind was starting to race.  I want PEACE!!  I want this whole nightmare over with!!!!  I know this is the road I am to walk and I love my small group.  They helped my family out with prayers, meals each week, and gave their love and support.  This special group is so amazing.  I also am thankful for my friends and neighbors who gave me gifts and support and always kept checking up on me.  I appreciate them all very much!!!!

Our small group during Christmas.

By evening, I was not myself.  I was upset and emotional.  Tired of the emotional roller coaster rides.  Once I get through one hurdle, there is another one to deal with.

Around 6:30pm, I noticed my cell phone flashing.  I missed a call.  It was a call from my breast surgeon and she left a message.  I yelled for Ray to come into the bedroom.  He was talking to my dad and his wife, Mitzi, in the bonus room.  Ray rushed to where I was in the bedroom and I told him my breast surgeon left a message.  We both held each other while I was shaking, and I played the message.  She stated, “Hi Nadine.”  “I wanted you to know right away that I just talked to the pathologist and your results came back.”  “As I suspected and as we discussed, your path report came back good and clear of all margins and no need for more surgery.”  I was to call her back if I had any questions.  I started crying and Ray just held onto me and kept saying, “Praise God!”  Tears came to his eyes and I cried more than ever.  I told him I NEED to call her back.

Ray left the room and I grabbed my prayer shawl that I received as a gift from a dear sweet couple, Scott and Sheryl, in our small group at church.  I took that shawl and wrapped it around me and fell to my knees.  I was so very thankful and wept.

After I got my composure back, I called the breast surgeon.  She immediately answered her phone.  I told her, “Thank you…. THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart and thank you for calling right away after receiving the path reports.”  I then started crying to her on the phone.  I told her thank you for her being my breast surgeon and for taking care of me and performing surgery.  I could barely speak and I continued thanking her for all she had done and I appreciated her very much.   She said she was happy to give me the results and told me to have a good night and get some rest.  She also said she wish she had more patients like me and was happy with the overall results.  I asked for my path report because I wanted to look at the results.

Here is what I posted on Facebook:  Update…..saw the plastic surgeon. Two drains, out of 4 removed. Doc said I was looking and doing great. I am advanced ahead of schedule. Most patients have around 50cc of fluid filled in their expanders right after mastectomy, but I had 250cc which is why I made a comment earlier that I had a cleavage and had some boobies. I am having some fluid building up in the bottom area outside the expander. I am to wear a Cami and put gentle presser in the area. I see Plastics again this Friday. Tomorrow I see breast surgeon to go over path report of my cancer in breast tissue. I am sore and bruised up really good, but moving around and have most of my arm movements. I am thanking God and all of you for your prayers. I couldn’t have done any of this without you all and your prayers. THANK YOU!!!

Ray drove me to the plastic surgeon office visit.  The doctor said I looked great and she was very pleased and happy with her work.  I was healing ahead of schedule she was thrilled about my arm movements and the range of motion in my shoulders.  I have walked with my arms almost crossed, with my right hand grasping my left wrist, and placing my hands under my expanders.  In fact, I have walked like this ALL THE TIME!  I think I am in protection mode and protecting my chest. The pulling of the 2 drains was not bad at all.  Didn’t hurt much, but then I was still on pain killers.  The doctor asked if I needed any more pain meds filled and I was shocked because I still had half a bottle left.  Doctor also wanted me to wear a loose fitting cami.  The cami will be put gentle pressure on my expanders to help with swelling by putting light gentle pressure to reduce fluid buildup.  Doctor did not want anything constricting my skin and I am to call immediately if my skin tissue was turning blue or purple.  My next visit will be Friday to check for fluid buildup and if the last 2 drains can be pulled, but I had to produce 30 cc or less of fluid in my JP drain.

My body was getting stronger, but still needed pain medications.  I was alert when taking my pain meds, but I couldn’t remember what happened two days earlier.

My bandages were coming off this morning and my plastic surgeon wanted me to take a shower.  I didn’t want Ray to look at me and my chest, but I had no choice since he was stripping my drain tubes and measuring the fluid from my Jackson-Pratt drains. We had to record on paper how many cc’s each JP drain tube produced and record what time we drained the JP drain.

Here is what the measuring cups look like:  

I told Ray I was ugly and he said, “Geesh honey, I didn’t marry you for your boobs!”  He also said, “The nurses and doctors said you will not look like this forever and just think, no more wearing bras and actually, your incisions are not bad at all.”

Now it is time for my first shower after surgery.  Ray was told by a chaplain, who prayed for us while I was having surgery at the hospital, to use ribbon or string or even shoelace to string the Jackson-Pratt drains together (there are fasteners with a hole attached to JP drain) and then take the shoelace with the JP drains and tie the ribbon around my neck, loosely, so the drains are not dangling and hanging down from my body and pulling my skin.  In this picture below, shows a plastic loop (near the thumb) and the plastic part will open to thread ribbon or shoelace through.

This method worked beautifully.  Ray also placed a small stool in the middle of our bathroom for me in case I get dizzy or tired from standing.  I took my shower and actually was able to raise my arms enough to wash my hair.  I thought I would be devastated, even with a glimpse of looking at my chest, but I was actually okay.  I was happy to have my skin and see my same freckles.  I knew the image I was seeing now would not always look like this forever, but better.  The most difficult part was the underarm area where the lymph nodes were removed with the stitches in place.  The armpits were sore and I thought I would cry, but I didn’t.  There was absolutely NO FEELING whatsoever in the chest area, underarms, and all along the armpits to the elbows.  I would try and take a razor to the underarm and I couldn’t tell if I was touching skin or not.  The lymph node incisions were in the way and felt raw.  It felt good using a shower gel with a nice scent.  Made me feel like a woman again.

This is what I used to hold my JP drains; pictures below.  You just peel off the sticky tape and apply to whatever you are wearing and this holds the JP drains perfectly.  I was able to get 2 JP drains in each pocket.  They are washable while stuck to the shirt and when done, just peel the sticky pocket off the shirt.  My good friend/neighbor, Pam, gave me these as a gift.

Here is a video of what Ray had to do 4 times a day for the first 7 days.  I was able to handle the last 5 days on my own.  This is NOT a video of myself.

Our first meal was provided by the Andro’s and it was fabulous.  They live about 3 hours away and still managed to have dinner delivered to us.  Supposedly, I didn’t want dessert, but my daughter came up to me eating something on a plate and I asked her what was she eating and she said Cheesecake.  She asked me if I wanted a bite.  I took a bite and before you know it, I some how managed to eat the whole thing.  My daughter was shocked.  To tell you the truth, I DON’T REMEMBER ANYTHING!!!  I was too drugged up.  Poor Kelsey, I felt really bad when I found out I did this to her, about a week later.  Darn, I don’t even remember myself enjoying that piece of cheesecake either.  🙂

We belong to a wonderful Bible group and they had it all worked out for our dinners.  We received an email with the name of the couple and what date they were going to come by the house to drop off meals for our family.  All the meals were wonderful and perfect for the following weeks.  Our family was very thankful for them providing a home cooked meal.  THANK YOU EVERYONE for your help!!

Saturday, in the mid afternoon, I was able to move from the bonus room couch to our bedroom where a recliner was waiting for me.  My dad and his wife arrived for a visit from Scottsdale, AZ.  They had this trip planned since August, way before I knew I had double breast cancer.  To me, the bedroom was ideal to sleep than the bonus room with visitors and I was stronger to sit in a recliner.  I still needed Ray’s help to move the recliner back and forth.  It was too difficult yet to use my arms because of my peck muscles. 

The lower part of where the breast tissue used to be was the most uncomfortable area.  It felt as if everything was stretching to the point where the skin was going to open.  This was no boob job as implants are placed behind breast tissue.  With a mastectomy and immediate reconstruction, there is no breast tissue and so the peck muscle gets sliced, to create a pocket and expanders are slid into place with muscle in front of the expander.  I had Alloderm which was placed in the lower part of were breast tissue used to be and was connected to the upper peck muscle.  Above picture of Alloderm.

In the late afternoon, my back area was now a problem.  I told Ray about it and he took off some of the bandage area and tried to feel what was going on.  He felt something and somehow, I had an electrode that was still placed on my back.  Ray peeled the electrode off and the area started to feel better.  Ray said he could see a blister starting to form.  Here is an electrode patch below.  Ray took a picture of my blister with my cell phone.  I showed my boss whose a doctor and I was not to pop it.

Around midnight, I woke up screaming in pain.  Ray jumped out of bed.  I forgot I had to be quiet and whisper because  my dad and his wife where in the guest room sleeping.  I told Ray there was something seriously wrong with my back and in fact, it felt like someone was taking a hot iron and placing it directly to my skin on my back.  My underarm area also felt like it was on fire.  I felt like a burn victim and my body was on FIRE!  I BEGGED Ray to call 9-1-1.   Ray said, “Geesh honey, you are acting like this blister that is forming is worse than the mastectomy itself!”  I said to him, “IT IS!!!!”  I begged again for him to call 9-1-1.  He took my cell phone and took another picture of my blister to show me what it looked like.  The blister was near my right arm.

Gee, it kind of looks like a backward State of Michigan!  Haha.

I saw the picture and wanted him to pop it to relieve the pain.  Ray said NO WAY and was following my boss/doctor’s orders.  He asked if I would agree for him to call Pam who lives across the street.  She is our dear friend and happens to be an RN.  I agreed.  I wanted to call my boss who is a doctor, but I didn’t want to bother her in the middle of the night.  Poor Pam and Larry as Ray and I woke them up after midnight.  Pam told Ray to apply ice to the area, but not to pop it.  Ray took a wash cloth and went downstairs to get ice from the freezer.  Later, he returned.  I told Ray to look under my underarm area to see if a blister was forming.  My right underarm had an incision due to lymph node removal.  This area also started to feel like it was on fire.  Ray could not see anything, even with a bright flashlight.  It was difficult for me to raise my arm for Ray to get a good look in the area due to pain from the surgery.  I told Ray in a stern, whisper, very slowly, “Will……you…….. PLEASE….take that ice………and just PLANT it…..DIRECTLY onto the skin, will ya……..NOW!”  Ray says, “That is what I am doing honey!”  I thought Ray was using the cold wash cloth directly to the skin and not the ice-cube itself.  I couldn’t feel the ice-cube at all, but finally, about 10 minutes later, the intense burning fire feeling was going away.  I then fell back to sleep.

The next morning, Pam came over and took a look at the blister and said she believed it could be Shingles and I should see a doctor as soon as possible to get on antibiotics right away.  Getting Shingles is usually caused from significant amount of stress and after having major surgeries.  When she left, I immediately put on my coat and shoes, with Ray’s help, and out the door we went to Urgent Care, on a Sunday afternoon.

As we arrived, the waiting room was crowded with a bunch of sick people and I told the front desk that I just had a double mastectomy, 4 days ago.  They didn’t care and told me it would be at least a 2 hour wait.  The patients in the waiting area were sick with colds and coughs.  I grabbed a mask and placed it around my nose and mouth.  Poor Ray, he was exhausted and needed sleep.  He called Kelsey, our daughter, to see if she could relieve Ray.  Ray went back to the vehicle to take a nap.  His eyes were all bloodshot from trying to take care of me the last 3 days.  He waited for Kels to arrive in the parking lot and then he left the clinic to head back home to take a nap while Kelsey greeted me in the waiting area.  She also decided to wear a mask.

Finally, my name was called and I slowly got up and walked to the back room, wearing my PJs and slippers with a mask on.  Everyone was looking at me and I didn’t care.  The medical assistant was very upset with the front desk personnel for letting me wait over 2 hours until I could be seen.  The doctor immediately came in and looked at my blister and was pretty sure it was Shingles, but thought he could see a rash starting to form from the blister area on my back which caused a trail upward to the underarm.  If this was Shingles, it was in the early stages and we caught it, just in time!  He prescribed Acyclovir, an antibiotic.  I told him I was already taking Keflex, another type of antibiotic, but Acyclovir should do the trick  for Shingles.  Kels drove me home and soon, I fell asleep in the recliner.  The Acyclovir worked because the blister started healing up and no more episodes of feeling like my body was on FIRE!!!  It was a long, exhausting, stressful day!

Sleeping through the night was not a problem.  In the morning, I was feeling pretty good.  My body was kept comfortable with the pain meds.  I was to take 1-2 pills every 4-6 hours, but the pain was tolerated by taking 1 pill instead of 2.  My doctor, nurses, and so many others told me to take the pain meds as directed because you don’t want to take the meds when you START feeling the pain or you will be chasing the pain consistently and feeling mostly pain all the time.  You want to get AHEAD of the pain and want your body to heal.  Otherwise, it takes longer to heal when your body is trying to constantly fight pain and then blood pressure goes up.  My body was tired, stressed out.

I had difficulty using my arms to get out of the couch let alone, position myself on the couch.  The only time I moved from the couch was to use the bathroom.  I would shuffle my way to the bathroom.  I had to learn to wiggle my body to move myself around.  My lower right back area was really starting to bother me.  I had a dressing that was wrapped around my entire chest and back.  I couldn’t see anything in my chest area nor did I want too because I thought I was going to have a chest like a flat ironing board and that was difficult for me since I was a size D.  I didn’t even want to feel my chest area with my hands.  I couldn’t fathom what my chest was going to look like as I personally liked my boobs in the past.

I was able to eat crackers, Jello, and yogurt.  Ray did EVERYTHING for me.  He sat next to me at the table figuring out a schedule on paper as when to take all my medications and when to drain my Jackson-Pratt drains.  He had the schedule set up where we were able to cross off what meds I took.  He labeled the medications by placing a colored dot on top of each medication bottle and wrote a letter on the colored dot.  For example, Oxycodone was yellow and had a big O on the dot.  Keflex was green with a big K written on the dot.  That way, were not having to grab a medication bottle and trying to read it and figure out what bottle contained what pills.  Then Ray used his cell phone and rigged it for alarms to go off and the name of the medication would pop up on his cell to let us know which medication was needed.  Ray placed a bell on the coffee table for me to use if I needed him while he was working downstairs in the den.  Seriously though, I don’t think I ever rang the bell because he was there all the time, checking up on me and bringing me food, water, meds, adjusting pillows, etc.  He gave me some concoction drink which consisted of prune juice and a couple of Tablespoons of apple juice.  This special drink was to keep me from being constipated from all the pain meds and antibiotics.  I was prescribed a medication for constipation too.

Here were my medications below and what I posted on Facebook:  I will admit, taking all this is getting really old. Some of these bottles need to be  taken 4-5 pills a day, like the 2 different antibiotics and some other meds are 2-3 times a day. Ray has his phone rigged with a chime that goes off, letting him know which pills I need to take next and we have a chart which we cross off each time I take a medication. Some pills need to be taken at 1am. At least I have no pain or stomach upset.  

The Jackson-Pratt drains were not that bad at all.  At first, the fluid was a nasty looking, pinkish red and clear in color.  You just want to make sure it is not port wine red.  I had 2 drains on one side and 2 drains on the other side and they were labeled with numbers, 1 thru 4.  Ray had no problem emptying out the drains.  It did not phase him at all.  He also had to strip the tubes by going to where the end of the tube was connected to my skin, pinching it with one hand and with the other hand, he pinched and moved along the tube to the other end of the tube which connected to the JP drain holder.  This was to make sure no blood clots were forming and the gunk was draining properly.  Ray talked to my uncle who would tease him and say, “So, Ray, are you stripping?”  My uncle had to strip tube for my aunt who also had breast cancer, but one breast.  This is what the Jackson-Pratt drains look like below.  They were labeled with numbers.  I seriously felt like I was a bomber with a bunch of hand grenades strapped to my body with dressing and tape around my chest.

Here is what I posted on Facebook:  I made it through the night. Difficult to walk, difficult to pull down PJs to pee. I have bandages wrapped around my chest. I don’t even want to look at my incisions. I’m trying to eat crackers and Jello or pudding to keep down pain meds. I have no appetite. Drinking fluids though. Trying to take deep breathing through the machine from the hospital. I have TED hose on to wear for another few days to prevent blood clots. My right side hurts more than my left. I see plastic surgery the 18th and I have to set up appointment with breast surgeon next week to go over path results to see if there were other areas of cancer. Normal standard procedure.  I laid on the couch upright for now all night. Recliner looks tempting, but not sure if I will be able to get out of that contraption.  Haha.

I did pretty well the first day at home.  The only main problem was my right lower mid back was bothering me and I started adjusting or moving the bandages and tape away from my skin in that area.  Other than that, all was good.

Later in the afternoon, my bandage was starting to loosen up and I finally took a peek at my chest.  OH MY GOSH!  I was in shock!  As I took a sneak peek by looking down at my chest, Wow!!! I was so excited!! I had some boobies!!! I even had a cleavage.  Holy cow! I was so impressed. Haha.  No red stuff (blood) on the skin or bandage.  I was so incredibly happy with the look of my chest. I couldn’t believe it!!!!

Neighborhood Friends (Larry and Pam) came by our house the night before my surgery day.  They gave me a gift basket, full of items I was going to need at the hospital and after the surgery.  I was extremely thankful and used ALL the items.  My friend, Pam, is an RN and knew exactly what I needed.

List of Items I took to the Hospital:

A small pink duffel bag packed with mastectomy pillows, chapstick, the same sweatpants, and zipped up sweat jacket I wore to the hospital for surgery (since I only wore these items for a total of 45 minutes on my surgery date), underwear (no need for another bra – haha), Uggs, socks, and ipod.  That is it!  I DID NOT need toothbrush, robe, slippers, more clothes, makeup, etc.  You will not have time nor the energy to care about these extra items the next day.  Besides, too much to take back to the car after the hospital stay along with flowers you may get at the hospital.

My gift basket below:

Chris Daughtry –  Im Going Home

Here we go!  Getting to go home from the hospital while dealing with icy road conditions at night.  Ray kept in contact by cell phone with Lisa all day, our neighbor/friend, who reported to Ray how the roads were, especially our steep hill in our subdivision.  I laid in the hospital bed thinking how the heck am I going to get out of bed, get dressed, let alone make it home with icy roads, put that seat belt on, get out of the truck, and walk into the house with ice on the sidewalk.  After all, schools cancelled classes because of bad road conditions.  It has only been 28 hours after my surgery and I have to head home.

In the hospital, Ray helped me sit up in bed.  It took effort and about 5 minutes to get myself situated sitting up with Ray’s help.  Then the hospital gown came off and Ray started reaching in my overnight bag for my clothes.  He started to pull out my size D bra and I thought to myself, REALLY?  Haha.  I didn’t need a bra anymore.  I was all bandaged up with a white dressing around my chest.  Ray helped me dress into sweat pants, a zipped up sweatshirt, my coat, and Uggs.  Took about 20 minutes to get dressed, slowly.  He had to do everything like pull up my sweatpants, zip up my sweatshirt, put on my socks, etc.  It was difficult for me to do this by myself.

Then the nurse came in with the wheelchair and off I went down the hallway.  I was near the nurse’s station, waiting for the elevator, and about 4 nurses were discussing about the roads being bad in some areas and were wondering how they were going to manage getting home.  It was about 10:00pm.  The nurses waved bye to me and wished me well.

While Ray was getting the truck, the nurse wheeled me to the front door of the hospital.  Looking through the windows to the outside, it was super windy and looked blustery cold outside.  The nurse pointed toward the tree which was out front of the hospital building.  The tree had a thin coat of ice and with the wind moving the tree branches, the tree glistened.  The tree was beautiful, but then I thought, ARE YOU PEOPLE CRAZY for letting me leave the hospital under these type of conditions?

Ray pulled up  to the front door of the hospital and the nurse wheeled me to the vehicle door.  The poor nurse was freezing because she didn’t have her coat on.  Ray jumped out of the truck and it took both the nurse and Ray to get me into the truck as it was sitting up a bit higher than a car.  Putting the seat belt on was a nightmare!  Thank goodness for my friend, Pam, who made me wonderful pillows.  I used a pillow between my body and the seat belt for comfort.

We were off, on our way home.  I thought Ray slid a little on the road, but he kept reassuring me the roads were okay.  All the drivers were going slower than normal, like 20 miles an hour slower than the norm.  We had to stop off at Walgreen’s on the way home to pick up the new anti-nausea dissolving tablets.  Gee, more pills to take.

I don’t remember much on the way home, only to the part were we enter our subdivision to go up the hill.  I was WIDE AWAKE AND ALERT for that experience!  Lisa, our neighbor and dear friend, text Ray stating the hill was still okay to drive up.  We drove down Beef Bend and then turned to enter our subdivision.  Yep, I was wide awake and alert as we started to climb up the hill.  I was pretty much FREAKING OUT!  As soon as we pulled into our court and reached our driveway, I could have kissed the ground when I got out of the truck.  Ray put down some cardboard on the driveway near my side of the truck door, just in case the spot was slippery when I slid out of the truck.  Ray unlatched the seat belt and I was able to swing around and get out of that vehicle.  I immediately started walking toward the front door, with both my arms up toward my chest area, without waiting for Ray to help me.  I was a nervous wreck from the drive home and just wanted to get into the house, NOW!  I had to wait for Ray to unlock the front door.  As I walked into the house, I was trying to figure out where I was going to plant myself down for a few days.  I thought of the family room, but said forget it.  I started climbing the staircase.  Once I reached the top of the staircase, I looked into our bedroom.  I saw our bed and said NO WAY am I getting in that bed.  I looked at the newly purchased recliner and thought how the heck am I going to get into it let alone, OUT OF IT.  I went down the hallway and looked into the guest room, but my dad and Mitzi were coming for a visit in 2 days from Arizona, so that wasn’t going to work for me.  I looked at Kelsey’s twin bed in her room.  I thought about laying in her bed, but decided not to, knowing she was coming home in 3 days to visit from college.  She was finishing up with her finals.  I continued on into the bonus room and there was the brown couch.  YES!  BINGO!  This is the place to plant myself down for a while.

I sat down on the couch and Ray grabbed some pillows and was able to get me adjusted to a comfort level I could tolerate.  He gave me my bottled water and everything I needed and placed all the items on the coffee table along with a bell to ring if I needed anything.  I was all set and fell asleep.  What an ordeal!  I think I aged a few years from the ride home.  lol.

Around 9:00am, about 15 hours after surgery, I was still feeling nauseated.  I couldn’t imagine stomaching medication.  My breast surgeon came into the room to check up on me and to see if I was ready to be discharged.  I was still out of it and no way near ready to be discharged home.  Surgeon decided I should try an anti-nausea medication that would dissolve under the tongue and then wait for about a half an hour to take pain medications orally and to do this throughout the day.  Then the surgeon would be back to visit me in the late afternoon to see how I was doing and if I could be discharged home.

Ray decided to turn on the TV to hear the local news.  The weather was bad in our area for icy road conditions.  In fact, schools were all closed in the area.  I started thinking, how the heck are we going to drive home with icy road conditions, let alone drive up our hill in our subdivision to get to our house.  Umm….I DON’T THINK SO!  Wouldn’t it be safer just to stay in the hospital?  There was NO WAY I was going to get stuck on the road in a vehicle or having to park down the bottom of the hill and walk by foot up the steep hill to our house after a double mastectomy!!  Nope, not happening.  The stress along thinking about it made my blood pressure rise.  I then dozed off to sleep.

I started feeling better and tolerating the pain medications by mouth.  The dissolving anti-nausea medication was working.  Soon, it was lunch time and I was given some food to try and eat.  Macaroni noodles, only it was NOT the hospital’s homemade favorite to die for recipe.  I think I ate about 4 noodles.  I kept up with eating the pudding, Jello, and crackers.  I literally had to force it down my throat.  Soon I was tolerating the oral pain meds throughout the day and near evening hours.  No more IV pain meds and my blood pressure was stabilizing to a normal range.  Surgeon came into the hospital room around 7:30 pm and decided I was ready to be discharged.  Now, how am I going to get home in icy road conditions. 

While I was having surgery, Ray had my cell phone and used it to post updates on Facebook to all my family and friends.  Ray uses LinkedIn, not Facebook.  My daughter also posted on Facebook.

This was from my precious daughter:  Prayers for my momma during her surgery today! Cancers a pain in the butt, but this lady has been blessed with such comforting words and friends to help her along the way in developing a positive outlook and even more closer relationship to God. Thank you to all the strangers, friends, and our family who’s been there for her every step of the way!

This was from Ray’s post:  This is Ray. Posting an update for Nadine that biopsy results of Sentinel lymph nodes results were negative.

Another post from Ray:  Its amazing that she can still get on Facebook while under anesthesia. I’ll update when possible.
-ray

Another post from Ray:  Ray again here. Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. I spoke to surgeon and all is proceeding well.

Finally, last post from Ray:  I’m with Nadine and she looks great was talking up a storm earlier and will let her rest. She’s had a rough day.

I woke up around 6:30pm, as I was in the hospital bed while being wheeled into my private hospital room.  The surgery lasted about 8 hours long.  Supposedly,  the surgeons stated that I had 6 major surgeries performed, since I had cancer in both breasts at the same time.  Most patients who have breast cancer only have it in one breast.  I happened to be the unfortunate one because only 1-5% get cancer in BOTH breasts.   One surgery is to remove breast tissue of one breast and second surgery is to remove breast tissue from the other breast, performed by the breast surgeon.  Each breast is different in shape, size and in depth.  Most are not even.  The third and fourth surgeries are cutting near both armpit areas to remove some lymph nodes to send off to the pathologist for ruling out cancer.  I had 3 lymph nodes removed from right armpit and 4 lymph nodes removed from the left armpit.  The plastic surgeon then takes over and finishes the fifth and sixth surgeries which is immediate reconstruction with tissue expanders placed.  I had Alloderm placed which the plastic surgeon was able to save my breast skin.

When I woke up, I was in pain, indescribable pain.  My blood pressure was very high because of the pain.  I also had my legs wrapped in some type of pressure pad device that would pump up a bag around my legs intermittently.  This was to keep me from having blood clots.  I was horribly nauseated which did not help.  I knew I had to force myself to eat a cracker and take a bit of Jello to hopefully keep oral pain meds down, but it was no use.  I was then having to take morphine and an anti-nausea med by IV.  Around midnight, the nurse thought I could take the 2 oral pain meds by mouth, but I told her I really wanted one pain pill because I was afraid 2 pills would cause me to throat up everything.  Nurse felt I would be okay.  I took the 2 little tiny pain pills and about 10 minutes later, I was throwing everything up.  Luckily, Ray decided to stay the night in my room, sleeping in a recliner.  I told Ray I felt like throwing up and he literally jumped out of the recliner and was able to give me the throw-up bag just in time or I would have thrown up all over the bed.

Right after vomiting up my meds, I noticed I had severe swelling in my feet, hands, and arms.  My body felt like it was loaded with too much fluid.  Then, there was a sensation  that I needed to urinate, a lot, and quickly.  Ray called the nurse into the room and it took both Ray and the nurse to get me up out of bed.  Once I was standing, I was fine.  The getting out of bed took all my stomach muscles and with Ray taking his hands to my back to help me lean forward out of bed.  I never realized how much chest muscles you use to maneuver yourself and it hurt like HECK.  I had to slowly shuffle my way to the bathroom with the nurse on my left side and Ray holding me on my right side.  It took some time to adjust myself on that darn toilet seat.  I had no problem urinating though.  It felt like I urinated around 800 cc worth of fluid.  It took my stomach muscles to get myself off that darn toilet.  No one can simply take your arms and lift you up after a double mastectomy.  Once back in bed, I felt better and all the swelling went away.  I slept, but through the night, I was awaken every 2 hours and had vitals checked and given IV meds.  I was in a lot of uncomfortable pain.  My blood pressure proved I was in pain because it was still high.  I had to get control of taking my meds orally without feeling nauseated or throwing up before I could go home.

Ray stated the breast surgeon came out after my surgery and greeted Ray and told him I did great.  In fact, it was different and she had never experienced anything like it before, because all the nurses and crew were cheering me on.  When my one side showed up I was negative for cancer in lymph nodes, they all cheered for me and did the same when the other side came back negative.

Ray stayed with me for the night in my hospital room and I was very thankful.  He was the best.  He helped me and was right there if I needed anything.  He was so in tune with me that if I moved or woke up, he was up asking me what I needed.  He chose the recliner than the fold out sofa bed because it was closer to my bed.  Ray kept our daughter informed by phone, as she was in Corvallis at Oregon State University, studying and taking her finals.  He also kept my boss informed and my aunt and uncles and family members.  Flowers were delivered to my hospital room right away.  Flowers were from the Tigard Police Department where I am on the Chief of Police committee and the other flowers were from IT Assurance who handles the computers at the clinic I work for in Portland.  I was very thankful and it was pretty seeing flowers near the window view.  When I was awake, I would look at the pretty flowers and then look out the window wishing I was at the coast or outside looking at Mt. Hood.  I wanted to be outside, enjoying gorgeous Oregon.

In about 37 hours, I head to the hospital for surgery.  Count down begins.  I am nervous about the whole thing and can’t believe I will be having missing body parts.  Hope a lot of weight will be shed off.  Ray has been a big help.  There are a ton of last little minute things to do.  I am having peace over my decision.  Hope I can sleep tonight.

I just had a preop breast surgeon visit this morning and my date for double mastectomy with reconstruction is set for November 12th, Wednesday and surgery should begin around 11:30 am at Providence Newberg,  I will stay at the hospital for supposedly 1 night.  I will have my own breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, pathologist, anesthesiologist, and oncologist during surgery.  I will be under anesthesia for around 7-8 hrs and could be longer if dye shows up in the lymph nodes which means lymph nodes need to be removed and that is an additional hour being under anesthesia for one breast.  I have cancer in BOTH breasts.  Depending how it all goes, I might have allograft with expanders.  Then wait a few months and finish with another quick surgery of placing implants and a little bit of skin grafting for cosmetic purposes.  After surgery, I will be seeing a physical therapist.  At this point, I just want all cancer out and gone and no cancer in the lymph nodes.  I have peace over all of this.  God will be with me every step of the way!  I love my breast surgeon, oncologist, and plastic surgeon.  I  have a great team who will be fighting my breast cancer for me.  Finally, a game plan has been made!  Yay!

I have been glued to my cell phone; waiting for the call from the breast surgeon’s office to tell me when I am scheduled for surgery.  There is so much to do to get ready for surgery.  I was at work and my cell phone went off.  I couldn’t answer it because I was on the phone at work.  Within 10 minutes, I called back the office and spoke to the MA.  My surgery was set for November 12th, Wednesday and I am to arrive to the hospital at 9:00 AM.  I was not to eat or drink anything after midnight.  Surgery will be performed at 12:30 PM.  Another surgery has been scheduled for that morning and once that person is done with surgery, mine will be next.  It was the perfect date for both the breast surgeon and plastic surgeon.  My breast surgeon is also pregnant with her third child and due the first of the year.   So this surgery needed to take place and I definitely wanted my breast surgeon to be present to get rid of all cancer.

Also, my dad and his wife are flying in that morning, the 12th, from Arizona.  The plan was that they were to stay with us for around 2 weeks along with their dog, Sedona, a Jack Russell.  They had airfare tickets back in August, before I even had a scheduled mammo.

Even though my dad was coming out, there was no way I would expect them to take care of me.  That was NOT the plan.  His wife, my step-mom, has been fighting ovarian cancer for years and years.   Her cancer counts were up at 4,000 quite a few years ago and now they are down to a single digit.  She has been living with chemo for years and finally was getting off of chemo and wanted to make a visit.  My step-mom lived in Portland, Oregon and her ex-husband is here along with her son, daughter, grand-daughter and 2 great grand-kids along with lots of friends.  They have plans and sightseeing to do.  They want to head to the coast and maybe try and get to Bend, Oregon, but depends on the weather.   There is no way I want them to have to sit in my house taking care of me.  Besides, Ray was going to work from home for a week so if I need anything, he would be right here to help me.

Still, it was bizarre that my dad and his wife were flying in that morning, the day of surgery.  Kinda makes one think what might happen with me during surgery, but I try not to go there with those thoughts.

My preop breast surgeon visit was set up for October 29th to go over what I need to do before surgery.  Here we go.  A game plan has been finalized.

This afternoon, 10/27/2014,  I met my second plastic surgeon.  This time, Ray came with me to the office visit.  The doctor was wonderful.  By using her laptop, she explained in detail the procedure of having a mastectomy with immediate expanders being placed after the mastectomy.  What sealed the deal was this plastic surgeon supports Breast Friends.  I just met two women who started Breast Friends quite a few years ago and joined their support group.  This office visit with the plastic surgeon was night and day compared to the first plastic surgeon’s office nightmare visit.  Both Ray and I were very pleased with this surgeon and felt this was the one who I could work with and when I left the office, I knew I was going to have a great team who was willing to work for me and support me and fight my cancer.  Their office was going to contact my breast surgeon’s office and work together for a surgery date and I will be notified by my breast surgeon’s office of the BIG date and time!  Yikes!

Portland, Oregon had a horrible wind storm.  Around 140,00 customers were without power and lots of trees down.  Our power went out and I decided to decorate the Christmas tree.  After I was done, our power came back.  Shazam!!  The tree lit up.  I bet I’m the earliest one decorating.  Haha.  As some of you know, I am seeing another plastic surgeon Monday and if it all goes well, I will notify my breast surgeon and then surgery will be set for a double mastectomy with reconstruction, probably during the holidays. I will not be myself for at least 3 weeks.  No moving the arms above my head and cannot lift anything over a pound.  I decided to decorate early since I don’t know when surgery will take place.  I have some Thanksgiving things up, but Christmas is my favorite holiday, can you tell??  🙂

I went to work this morning.  I was emotional, but didn’t want my boss to see me so worked up.  I called my breast surgeon’s office from work and talked to the wonderful MA.  I explained to her the conversation at my plastic surgeon’s office visit yesterday, actually 15 hours ago, and I demanded another referral to see a second plastic surgeon because there was NO WAY I was going to have the plastic surgeon touch me.  I also explained I am ready to throw in the towel and just forget all this cancer stuff ever happened.  After all, I was told I really don’t have cancer yesterday, late afternoon. I was not wanting to go in today to get a lousy ultrasound done with possible lymph node biopsy.  I mean, WHY, if I supposedly don’t have cancer.  The MA told me to call the nurse navigator which I immediately did.  I explained to the wonderful nurse navigator what happened at my office visit and how the results were discussed that I really didn’t have cancer so why am I doing this stupid lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy?? With possible results changing from a stage 0 to a possible stage 2 to 3??  I explained, ” I am SO CLOSE to saying forget all of this and I will just have another mammo in a year.”  The nurse navigator calmed me down on the phone and she stated she was going to meet me when I arrive at the hospital for my lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy at 1:00 PM.  She asked if I was going to get a ride home and I told her my husband was going to meet me at the hospital and take me home.  As for my car, it can wait till late evening and my husband can get a friend to pick up my car and bring it home.

I got off the phone and started my day with patients coming into the office.  Soon, it was time for me to leave work.  My wonderful coworker came in to cover for me.  I left work and headed to the hospital for this lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy thing and dreaded all of this.  I still have not been able to wrap my brain around having cancer in BOTH breasts.  I was in such a mood and didn’t want to do any of this.  As I was waiting in the waiting room (which I was getting tired of waiting rooms and office visits), I received a text from Ray stating he was almost at the hospital and would be waiting for me in the waiting room when all this crap was over.

My name was called and I was led down a long hallway (these long sterile white hallways were getting old fast) and all of a sudden, I FROZE.  I just stood there.  I couldn’t move.  The nurse, dressed in her scrubs, stopped and looked at me and said it was this way, and I just stood there.  Again, I wouldn’t move.  She asked if I was okay.  I just looked at her with a blank look on my face and slowly the words came out of my mouth, “I can’t do this, I just can’t do this!”  I started to turn around and wanted to RUN LIKE HECK out of that long white hallway, but I knew Ray would have blocked me from bolting out of the waiting room.  The nurse took my arm and said I was going to be fine and started leading me toward a room to change my clothes.  I ended up following her.

I felt like I was in a dream.  My mind and emotions were all over the place.  I was now led into a room and jumped up on a high bed.  I started freezing and my body was shaking.  A warm blanket draped over my body.  Then a nurse navigator came in and introduced herself.  She was the nurse who has been calling me, checking up on me, and handles any of my questions or concerns.  She also suggests what bras to buy after a mastectomy, etc.  Then another nurse navigator came in (the one who I had spoken to that morning).  First thing she said, “Oh look, we are having a PARTY!”  She was so full of wonderful energy and such a sweet, loving spirit.  She gave me a Xanax tablet and placed it under my tongue to absorb quickly to try to calm me down.  My nerves were completely shot.   Then the other nurse navigator gave me a hug and said, “You feel incredibly too warm and are you running a fever?”  I said no, it was just me being emotionally upset over this whole scenario.

The Xanax was working quickly.  Then the radiology tech came in and saw the 3 of us and again the free spirit nurse navigator said, “We were having a big party now!”  The tech smiled and the two nurse navigators had to leave me and gave me hugs.  They were going to call and check up on me later when I arrive home.

The x-ray tech started with the ultrasound.  I was pretty much in La-La Land from the Xanax, THANK GOD!  My right side was done first and she took a black marker and marked to where she thought maybe the radiologist would do a lymph node biopsy.  Great!  Just GREAT!  I am being marked for the BIOPSY.  The thought of a knife cutting into my armpit was enough for me to jump out of the bed and say, screw all of this, but then the Xanax was really working now.  I was getting more calm.  Then the left side was done and she marked 2 areas where biopsies might be done.  The tech told me that there were 2 radiologists who were reading my reports and one of them was the same one who read my MRI and happened to be one of their excellent radiologists who requested this lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy be done.

After the ultrasound was done, the tech told me she was going to leave the room and it could take about 20 minutes for the two radiologists to read the ultrasound report and then they would be in to do the biopsy, IF needed.  Olga, the x-ray tech, gave me the push button remote for when I needed anything.  I wouldn’t have push the button because I wanted to sneak out of the room and go home.

Olga (the x-ray tech) came in and spoke with such a happy voice!  “Nadine….NO BIOPSY IS NEEDED and you are set to go home!”  Woohoo!!!  Thank you God!  I am now the most happiest woman alive!  I just wanted to thank everyone for all their prayers!  I was a nervous, emotional mental wreck and I was able to meet my angels (2 nurse navigators) who coached me along to get this ultrasound with possible biopsy done and wonderful sweet Olga who performed my ultrasound.  NO BIOPSY WAS NEEDED.  Woohoo!  Two radiologists read my ultrasound and IF there was any question on that ultrasound, a biopsy would be performed.  Olga went on to say, “It is all clear Nadine….nothing in the lymph nodes and no biopsy will be performed!!”  And did I EVER let all my mixed emotions out!!  Poor Olga.  Haha.  I kept hugging her. Woohoo!  I was crying, laughing, happy, tired, felt such relief.  I am so thankful for everyone’s prayers.

When I went out to the waiting room, there was Ray and I was literally jumping up and down and was beyond thrilled and THE HAPPIEST WOMAN EVER!  Obviously, the Xanax was kicking in too!  🙂  Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride!!!

Ray has been to all my office visits.  This plastic surgeon should be a piece of cake and Ray was going to be busy with meetings at work, so I went by myself.  WHAT A BIG MISTAKE!!!!

I just got an earful from the plastic surgeon.  Not good at all and I have too many options when it comes to having cancer in BOTH breasts.  I am also somewhat big on top, for the last 3 years….hahaha…. which makes it worse, a size D.  It seemed this plastic surgeon wanted to perform a lumpectomy, do a breast reduction on me, lift the breasts, and mentioned how awesome I would look.  Then I would have radiation which can deform breasts, and since early DCIS can come back (as she knocks on her wooden desk and as I think about it, she did it several times), I would then have to get a mastectomy and I could not have reconstruction because radiation would kill good breast tissue, and I would not heal properly to have a breast reconstruction.  What the heck??  She also went on to say that the breast surgeon really does not do much of anything, and breast surgeon is more like a coach while the plastic surgeon does EVERYTHING.  She continued and said I really don’t have cancer.  I looked at her in shock and said, “Well…… I have microinvasion on my left.”  Plastic surgeon said, “I thought it was just the right side that you have DCIS!”  I told her I had cancer in BOTH and my left was already microinvasion.  She looked puzzled and then brushed it off and said, “Well, you really don’t have cancer!”  Again, I was shocked and thought to myself then WHY THE HECK am I having an ultrasound with possible lymph node biopsy procedure within 24 hours?

The plastic surgeon seemed to be in a mood.  She seemed like she was busy and wanted to head home as I was her last appointment of the day.  She kept saying how we could reschedule this appointment for another time!!  Are you kidding me?  She has NO IDEA how difficult it was for me to leave work for this appointment.

Right now??  I am just ready to say FORGET ALL OF THIS and I am ready to lose it.  I DON’T WANT TO DO ANY OF THIS!!!!  I am ready to just say…..FORGET IT ALL….no surgery, no NOTHING and just pretend none of this has happened.

But now, I have to deal with this lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy of my lymph nodes TOMORROW and I hate to say it…….but….. I am beginning to wonder if it is in my lymph node area.  There is no logical explanation of how it can be, since my cancer is supposed to be localized and actually, the plastic surgeon said, I actually don’t have real cancer?? Yay!  AWESOME!!!  The cancer is just precancer cells she states.  SO WHY THE HECK am I having an ultrasound with possible core biopsy in my armpit area to check and see if cancer is in my lymph nodes??  Why bother then??  Sorry, you all are getting the brunt of how I am feeling.  I wish to God there was a lump, then it would help me to decide better of what route to take and know what the heck I am doing.  The procedure tomorrow could show I am stage 3 and be invasive, yet plastic surgeon just told me I don’t have cancer??

Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride again.  There is NO WAY I am ever going to work with this plastic surgeon.

I am sitting with Ray and listening to my breast surgeon going over my MRI results.  Here we go.  MRI showed residual cells on my right.  Basically, the breast biopsy didn’t get all the cancer cells which is fine because surgery is imminent anyway.  My left shows no residual at all. Yay!  Breast biopsy got all the cancer on the left (still need surgery though), but for some reason, there is thickening showing in a lymph node area under my armpits, especially my left armpit.  Go figure!  Could be due to breast biopsy when pulling away tissue (and me doing a lot of push ups lately..hahaha).  I am being scheduled (hopefully next week) to get ultrasound with possible lymph node biopsy, if needed, for both underarms to check the lymph node areas.  Yikes, a possible core needle biopsy in the armpit area? Really??? I have a game plan though!!!  YIPPEE!  The unknown is just about done.  I am opting for the double breast mastectomy.  I am DONE with this emotional roller coaster ride.   I am praying and hoping my lymph nodes were not touched.  I see plastic surgeon on Monday.  Then, surgery should be in about 3-4 weeks.  Gee, all these tests for early breast cancer, the unknown of this and that, and having no mass, lump, or tumor?  As a friend of mine would say, there is no turning back and just need to move forward with the game plan.  As someone I love dearly said, it is a massive bump in the road and this will all be done soon.  It has been difficult, especially since I fight fear of the unknown. 

This is EXACTLY how I was feeling before I saw the surgeon to get my MRI results. “The unknown is not what to be afraid of, it’s only when the unknown becomes known that one can decide whether to be afraid or not.”  ― Markus Peterson.

I keep telling myself this is going to be one crazy wild adventure ride.  I know I can do this, as long as I have my support group, friends, family, and God by my side each step of the way.

I can hardly sleep at all tonight.  I wanted this surgeon visit to be completely done and hopefully have a game plan after the MRI reading.  Feeling yucky in the stomach.  Just saw the moon and it looks awesome. Half the moon is covered in darkness, but with a touch of light coming through that darkness with giant long horizontal rays on each side of the moon.  I was fortunate to see the eclipse tonight.  This whole breast cancer has been an emotional roller coaster ride.  One minute, cancer is caught early, but next minute I am having a test done to see if it has spread and so on.  This whole thing is too emotional.  I need a game plan.

Oh joy! Waiting for this MRI to get started. Nothing like seeing posters and banners everywhere about breast cancer awareness.  Believe me…..I am fully aware of breast cancer! Hahaha.  It is October which is Breast Cancer Awareness Month AND my Birthday month.  I am all for breast awareness, but being diagnosed and having to go through breast cancer in October is too much info being plastered EVERYWHERE.  I went to pick up my blood pressure pills and what do you know!  My prescription bottle had a pink cap on it to remind me of Breast Cancer Awareness.

I did not want to be here at the hospital for this MRI.  I have been trying to schedule most of my office visits when I am not working including this MRI which I scheduled at 7:00 PM.  I had a breast MRI done 6 years prior and it was HORRIBLE!   It was performed at another place and it was the most degrading procedure I have ever had in my life.  My boobs were basically hanging through holes while I was laying on a stretcher.  No coverage at all.  I had a break while I was in the machine and I looked back and saw 6 people gawking at me through a glass window and 3 were MALES!!!  All 6 people didn’t know I was looking at them and they were having a grand ole time, laughing, talking and when they saw me looking at them, they were all embarrassed and looked away.  I was just about ready to slide out of that machine and screw this whole thing.  After MRI was done 6 years ago, I did get the results which basically showed NOTHING.  It was all questionable and I was to have another MRI performed in 6 months and there was NO WAY I was going through that humiliating, degrading process ever again.  I elected for a BSGI to be performed which was completely new and those results came back negative.

While I was waiting for this MRI to be performed, I was all alone.  Ray was on his way home from work.  A radiology tech came out to the waiting room where I was sitting by myself and she called my name and I got up and followed her down the long hallway to the room where the loud machine was, waiting for me.  The tech was super nice and I told her my experience with the last MRI that was done at Epic Imaging.  The tech could not believe it and how unprofessional those techs were in handling me as a patient.  I just thought it was the norm of how MRI goes when it comes to breasts.

This MRI was night and day compared to the last MRI that was performed 6 years ago.  My breasts were constantly covered, even when my boobs were dangling out of holes while I was on a stretcher, facing down, there was a sheet and towel covering my breasts so no one could see my boobs.   The whole MRI process was done quickly.  I was so exhausted when MRI was being performed and since it was around 7:30 PM, I was falling asleep while the loud machine of the MRI was taking pictures.  Sometimes the machine sounded like an automatic gun machine firing off.

The whole process was was easy and not degrading at all.  The tech was wonderful and I couldn’t believe it was just her and no one else, like the last place who had 6 people looking at you through a glass window.  I was going to get my results in a few days from the breast surgeon a my next appointment.

As I walked out to the waiting area, there was Ray, waiting for me.  Boy was I glad to see him.  I ran up to him and he had his arms wide open and I couldn’t wait to be in his arms while he was holding me.  I was so happy to see him and I felt so secure and so loved and not alone anymore.

Wow! At 5:03PM tonight, it was 2 weeks ago when I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer and for that whole weekend, I had no idea what type of cancer was in my body.  I couldn’t call anyone because offices were closed Saturday and Sunday.  As of today, I am still numb and still in shock by it all, but I have peace and keeping myself busy.

The oncologist was very nice.  She asked a lot of questions about my past history.  The oncologist said I would need to take tamoxifen and have to undergo 6 weeks, every day of radiation, if I chose the lumpectomy route.   The radiation and lumpectomies could deform my breasts.  It all depends how much tissue needs to be taken out or destroyed.  If I choose the mastectomy route, no chemo, no radiation, and no tamoxifen because all the breast tissue will be gone and if no invasion, no need for anything to be done after mastectomy.  The visit did not last very long.  I was exhausted when the oncologist visit was finished.  My brain was on overload.

When I went home,  I immediately called the genetic testing center.  They were sending me in the mail a packet of information with pages of questions to answer.  Then I am scheduled for a consult to go over information and to figure out which genetic testing needs to be done.

Next step is to schedule plastic surgeon visit.

Ray and I arrived to the hospital to meet the breast surgeon.  I couldn’t eat a thing this morning.  I was a nervous wreck and still shocked I have breast cancer in BOTH breasts.  While waiting in the waiting room, my name was called and a very nice  MA walked us back to the examining room.  The MA went over my medications and took my vitals.  Then she stated she read in my report about how I was told of my diagnosis, and said what an awful way to be told of my results.  She then gave me a hug and said I will be okay and then she left the room.  It didn’t take long and the breast surgeon came into the room.   My breast surgeon introduced herself and decided to go over my results.

My right breast was DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) and it was intermediate grade, cribriform, no mass, and considered stage 0.  It was fed by 33% estrogen and 3% progesterone.

My left breast was DCIS (ductal carcinoma in situ) with microinvasion and was high-grade, no mass, comedo (consists of cells that seem cytologically malignant, with the presence of high-grade nuclei, pleomorphism, and abundant central luminal necrosis. Comedo-type DCIS appears to be more aggressive, with a higher probability of associated invasive ductal carcinoma) and was considered not really a stage 1, but more a stage 0.3-0.5.  It was 95% estrogen fed and 75% progesterone fed.

The cancer I have, was fortunately caught early.

My breast surgeon was really nice and stated I had options.  I could have lumpectomies in both breasts with radiation every day for 6 weeks after the lumpectomy surgery.  Then I would have to undergo double breast MRIs once a year for the rest of my life,  breast mammograms every 6 months for the rest of my life, and take Tamoxifen for the rest of my life.   I already had seen a breast surgeon 6 years ago who had me try taking Primrose to help reduce breast cysts.  The Primrose ended up making me have a period for 3 months in a row and massive nonstop headaches, and I started developing uterine cysts.  I was told to immediately get off the Primrose from my primary doctor who stated I should never ever take any type of alternating hormonal medication as my body does not like any hormone changes.  As I was listening to my breast surgeon, there was no way I was wanting to take the Tamoxifen (which there is a slight increase of causing uterine cancer).   The other option the breast surgeon stated was having mastectomies and highly recommended immediate reconstruction.  If I go this route, no chemo or radiation, no tamoxifen, no more breast MRIs and no more mammograms, AND no tamoxifen.  I would basically be 100% cancer free.  I could also have a mastectomy on my left and have lumpectomy on my right.  It was up to me to decide.

I was sitting in the chair thinking, if my cancer was caught early, why all the drastic measures to take?  Why can’t I just have a lumpectomy and be done with it all.  Why radiation?  Why is there an option for a mastectomy?

I kept looking over at Ray to see facial expressions and what he might be thinking.  There was a knock on the door and the surgeon had to leave to take a call.  Ray said to me, mastectomy might be the option to take so I would not have to be on the tamoxifen and have the peace of mind of not having cancer come back.  Ray said, “I want you healthy and to live and stay in my life so we can grow old together!”

The surgeon came back into the room and I asked her, “Why cancer in BOTH breasts!”  Her response was either I have the worst, stupidest bad luck or it is genetics.  The surgeon wanted me to have genetic testing done.  She did not believe it was BRCA, but believed it was some form of genetics in my family.

I told the breast surgeon that I was leaning toward a mastectomy on my left since it was comedo with microinvasion and maybe a lumpectomy on my right, but not sure yet.  The breast surgeon stated the next step she wanted me to take was to have a double breast MRI with and without contrast performed.  The MRI would show up any hot spots of new cancer cells or areas that may have been missed on the mammogram.  Also, right after my office visit with the breast surgeon, I was to head to the radiology department to undergo a chest x-ray, just to make sure nothing shows up.

The office visit was over and a lot of info was given to me in one sitting and in a few hours, we meet the oncologist and more info will be given about what to do with my breast cancer.  I really liked this breast surgeon.  She was very caring and informative.

Ray and I walked out of the examining room and headed to the radiology department.   I was taken to a room to have the chest x-ray.  The x-ray was done quickly.  I was told the results would be within a few hours and I would be getting a call from the breast surgeon’s office about the results.

Ray and I left the hospital and headed to a restaurant to try and get some food in me for the next visit to the oncologist.   I started thinking about the chest x-ray and what if there were signs of cancer?   Within the hour, the breast surgeon’s office called me and told me my chest x-ray results looked normal.  WHAT A RELIEF!

I am seeing the breast surgeon at 8:30AM tomorrow (Thurs) morning and the oncologist at 1:40PM tomorrow afternoon. I am to be prepared to ask questions and hopefully get an earful which will probably make me sick and super tired with too much info thrown at me and given many options of what to do.  Ray is going with me to the appointments, even though he is on call at work and working from home.  What I want to know is, what kind of sick, evil, mean cancer cells do not form a mass or tumor (like everyone I know who has breast cancer) and then these cells are trying to get out of the duct???? ARE YOU KIDDING ME??  These evil cells of mine must be some kind of aggressive mean babies who hate each other to not form a buddy system to create a tumor. I am wondering if this is some type of rare cancer.  See?? See how I begin to analyze and over think what kind of cancer this could be and all I am doing is putting fear in me??  So far, since Monday morning, I have complete peace. I know I am going to be okay and this is cureable.  I know this cancer was caught super early. If I had chosen the route to wait another 6 months?? These cells (who already are working their way out of the duct) could have been a disaster waiting to happen, like Stage 3 cancer with 4 being metastasized. I even called the hospital, where I had my mammo, and told the front desk to leave a message to the radiologist to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart that he agreed and was leaning toward the biopsy, just to make sure we catch anything early, even if it was a 20% chance of what I had on my mammo, being positive.

Finally, on 09/22/2014, Monday morning came and I waited till 8:15am to call the breast surgeon’s office.  A girl on the phone asked why I was coming in and I started crying, telling her I was told I have ductal carcinoma in BOTH breasts and I am not sure what is going on.  I didn’t know if I am dying in 3 months because it spread like wild fire, or if cancer was caught early, or did they find a tiny mass or what.  I explained how I was notified of my diagnosis and was left hanging all weekend, not knowing WHAT THE HECK was going on.  The front office girl stated what a horrible way of finding out my diagnosis and not getting full information.  She told me to call the nurse navigator who scheduled my biopsy.   The nice girl on the phone scheduled my surgical appointment for Thursday, 09/25/2014 at 8:30am.

I then called the oncologist and made an appointment for the same date of the breast surgeon, Thursday, 09/25/2014 at 1:30pm.   Then I called the nurse navigator, Diane.

I didn’t think Diane would remember me.  Normally, you have to leave a message and then nurses call back.  This time when I called, the nurse picked up the phone.  I said, “Hi, this is Nadine and I am not sure if you remem….”  “NADINE”, Diane says.  “Oh my dear, did you get your results????”  I stated, yes and how it was handled and started crying.  I was so emotional.   The nurse stated, “Who was this person’s name who told you your results, and to tell you the truth…. that was completely shitty how she handled giving the results, especially at closing time on a Friday.”  “Oh Nadine, I am so sorry and I am reporting that PA because how many others has she done that too and she needs to never report a diagnosis to another person that way again.”  The nurse asked who was my breast surgeon and oncologist.  The nurse stated I have the best surgeon ever and everyone loves her and wants to work for her.  Also, the oncologist is outstanding and both the oncologist and surgeon work very well together and will help fight this battle for me and I have the best team.  She also went on to say, if I had some other surgeon or oncologist and she didn’t care for, she would have directed me to someone else who was good, like my current surgeon.

Then the nurse stated I was one of the most wonderful, nicest, funniest, easiest patient to work with when performing the biopsy.  Everyone came into the office about an hour ago (Monday morning) and they all wanted to know if Nadine’s results came back.  They couldn’t wait for the news that it was going to be negative.  When they saw the results, they were shocked and dumbfounded.  Even the pathologist had to check to make sure that the results were not mixed up with someone else and they were so sorry to hear the news.   This is what the nurse navigator stated to me on the phone.

Lastly, the nurse says, “I am now going to give you your results, are you ready?” I sat down and said, “I….. am….ready.”  Diane spoke in a super slow, soft, and calm voice and stated, “Your right…. breast. You have NO mass, NO tumor, NO lump! You have ductal carcinoma…..in situ (I gasped in relief because this is the best kind of cancer to have).  She went on to say, “You have pre-cancer cells starting to form inside the duct and it is localized, and this Nadine….is cureable.”  “Next…..left breast, you have NO mass, NO tumor, and…..NO lump.”  “You have precancer cells that are starting to form inside the duct (Again, she says this super slowly, softly and calmly) and you have 1…. maybe 2 cells which is…..questionable that are trying to or did go through the duct, but still….holding onto outside the duct…..and did not separate from the duct.  You have……ductal…. carcinoma in situ with microinvasion ….. and ……..this……. is……… CUREABLE!”  What a relief of joy!

The weekend was horrible.  One minute, I had peace, the next fear came in and self analyzing talk going through my head.  I kept reminding myself that the results were to arrive in 3-10 days, but these results came back in 26-28 hours and this cancer had to be  so bad that it was spreading like wild-fire for the results to come back that quickly, without any hesitation, showing I have cancer.

I tried to keep clinging to what the radiologist told me.  He said I had the small microcalcifications in a cluster in both breasts.  Could be a dozen reasons why, but one bad reason could be precancer cells forming and these cells don’t know what they are doing and are dying off causing microcalcifications, but that would be a 20% chance of being positive.  Radiologist also said we could wait 3 or even 6 months to have another mammogram and see if the cells start forming a mass and then have a biopsy, or just go ahead and do a double breast biopsy now.  We both agreed to have the biopsy soon, instead of waiting to do another mammogram down the road.

I went to church Sunday morning, I went up front for prayer.  I was told I was the poster child for that morning service as the sermon was about having peace during trials.  After church service, Ray and I was walking to our car and we ran into a couple who attend our small Bible group.  I know God placed Laura and Mark right at the perfect time because I let a lot out and they were there with open arms, open hearts and were so caring and knew exactly what to say and do.  I am so thankful for that moment and will not forget that time.

I just wanted to know what type of cancer I had and I asked the physician assistant, but she didn’t give me any information and didn’t want me to look up any info on the Internet.  It was an emotional, long-enduring 2 day weekend.

On 09/19/2014, my cell phone rang at 4:45pm.  I didn’t get to my phone in time and noticed someone left a message.  The phone number didn’t look familiar.  It happened to be my primary physician leaving me a message.  The message stated the results came in and she was bummed I was not home and I was to call the office as soon I received her message.   As I was listening to the message,  I looked at the time and it was now 4:50pm, on a Friday, and I knew I had only minutes to spare since the office was going to close in 10 minutes.  I didn’t even bother listening to the rest of the phone message.  I immediately called the office.  As the phone was ringing, I kept saying to myself, pick up, pick up the phone.  I started panicking and thinking, how in the world could the results be in already?  It has only been less than 24 hours and I was told it would take AT LEAST 3 to 10 days!   Someone answered and I was put on hold.  It is now 5:03pm, after hours on a Friday.

A physician assistant gets on the phone (I have no idea who this person is) and states, “Hi, Yep…..you are positive, you have ductal carcinoma in BOTH breasts.”  I was in complete shock.  I fell back in a blue wingback chair.  My mind all of a sudden was in a fog.  My throat was tightening up.  My mind was racing and I started to think, maybe I did not hear her correctly??  “I….have…… WHAT?”, I stated.  She states it louder thinking I didn’t hear her, “Oh! I guess you were NOT expecting this news?  Well… you have DUCTAL CARCINOMA IN BOTH BREASTS!!!”  My mind went racing again.  How could this be???  I started thinking and reminded myself that I was told by a radiologist, along with 4 nurses to not worry, and a pathologist/doctor who performed my biopsy who stated the radiologist wants to cover his butt, and an internist who also watched the pathologist perform the biopsy that my biopsy results would be 80% NEGATIVE.  I then said slowly to the PA, “Is this in situ? (better kind to have) or is it……”.   PA says, “All the lab report shows is… YOU HAVE DUCTAL CARCINOMA IN BOTH BREASTS!!!!”  “And…..you cannot Google anything and I will send you an email of the surgeon and oncologist to contact first thing Monday morning.”  “You need to speak to the surgeon for more details…..I have another phone call and I have go, so look for my email and call the surgeon for more information.”   She hangs up.

There I sat, in a blue chair in the living room.  I couldn’t call my navigator nurses, the lab, or anyone because everything is now closed for the weekend.  It is now 5:10pm.  I couldn’t talk to anyone till Monday morning.  The weekend was going to be a nightmare, waiting for Monday.  Because the results came back so early,  I thought my cancer was spreading like wildfire.  I have no idea what type of cancer I am dealing with.  How could this person just leave me hanging like this through the whole weekend??

One minute, I am busy getting dinner started and my life is doing okay and the next minute?  It all changes, JUST LIKE THAT!  A snap of the fingers.  Just hearing the words, “YOU HAVE CANCER IN BOTH BREASTS” is enough to make your head spin and turns your life upside down.

I wanted to call my mom, but she died at age 57 back in 2000 from complications of rheumatoid arthritis.  I called my Great Aunt Moynell in Michigan who had a mastectomy done 5 years ago because of  2 cancerous lumps.  I have been close to her, especially since my mom died in 2000.   My mom’s sister, my aunt, died around age 59 (10 months after my mom died) from breast cancer because she secretly stopped the Tamoxifen and cancer spread to Stage 4.  This was years ago for my aunt and now there are new methods and drugs to treat cancer.

I was on the phone with my great Aunt when I saw my daughter pull into the driveway.  She was home from college visiting the weekend.  I told my aunt I had to get off the phone because Kelsey was walking up the sidewalk.  Kelsey walked in the house and I told Kels, “Immediately text your dad and tell him it is an emergency and to come home NOW!!!”  She didn’t hesitate and texted her dad.  Ray was now on his way home.  I told Kelsey we were going to have a family meeting in the living room once dad gets home.  Ray came home and as he walked through the front door, he was alert with a bewildered look on his face.  We all sat in the living room and I began to tell Kelsey and Ray about my conversation with the physician assistant.  I stated I had breast cancer, in both breasts.  Ray said,  “They must have the wrong results and mixed them up with someone else’s results.”  After all, I was told it would be only a 20% chance of having breast cancer.  I actually thought the same thing Ray did.  Kelsey said we have to pray and kept asking if I was going to be okay.

I told Kels I would be fine, but in reality, I didn’t know what to think!  It is now Friday evening.  I cannot call ANYONE!  I can’t call my doctor, the nurse navigators at the hospital, the pathology department, or the hospital who performed my breast biopsy, NOT ONE PERSON who could give me my results.   I finally received the email from the physician assistant who told me my results over the phone.  I couldn’t call the breast surgeon or the oncologist in that email.  Everything is closed now for the weekend.  I have to wait about 64 hours till I can call my new breast surgeon to schedule an appointment.  I don’t even want to call the oncologist.  An ONCOLOGIST??  Just the thought of an oncologist and sitting in the waiting room made me sick to my stomach.  I don’t even want to step foot in her office.  I don’t even know what kind of breast cancer is in my breasts or has it metastasized everywhere else in my body!  No one can tell me what is going on.   One minute I think I am going to die in a few weeks since I have cancer in BOTH breasts.  Then the next minute, I kept remembering how I was told by so many that it would be an 80% chance of me being negative for breast cancer.  I will have the longest weekend of my life to deal with before Monday morning at 9:00 am.

I started crying and couldn’t believe my results and why BOTH BREASTS!!  Why both!!!!

“Fire And Rain” song by JAMES TAYLOR

Talk about more stress!!!!!  The next day, after my mammo results, I was in such shock to think I could have cancer.  I didn’t feel good and I was very bewildered about my mammo results.  I kept thinking what the heck was I going to do if I have cancer???

It was Saturday and I kept myself busy doing yard work.  My husband and I just finished laying down fresh new bark dust.  I took a shower and my daughter thought it would be a good idea for me to get out of the house and decided to take me out for dinner.  Ray was exhausted with all the yard work and had some unfinished work at his job and so he stayed home.

Kelsey and I left the house around 7:25 pm and headed out to a restaurant.  BJ’s was mobbed.  We ordered and all of a sudden, I get a text from Ray stating, “House behind us on fire!”  I text him back, “What, a kitchen fire or BBQ fire?”  I told Kels and I really didn’t think much about it.  Then a few minutes later, I get a call from my neighbor, Lisa, asking where I was and her husband said the house behind our house in a flag lot was on fire.  I then get a text from Ray, “House burned down behind us, GONE!”

Okay, that is it!  I freaked.  It was around 100 degrees which is way not normal for the Northwest.  My daughter saw the look on my face and I freaked and yelled, “The house behind us is on fire!”  We started getting our stuff together right at the same time our food arrived to our table.  We told the nice gentleman we have to leave NOW and if he can pack our food up in a hurry.  We paid, grabbed the food and ran out the door to the car.

As I am driving, I am now getting a ton of texts from the neighbors.  My daughter was smart and told me to take the back route home because probably the main roads would be closed and she was right.

We entered our subdivision through the back route and you could smell the smoke.  You should have seen all the people out in the streets.  Some people were worried if they were going to have to evacuate the subdivision.

We drove up to our house and Oh My Gosh!  I just about had a heart attack.  This is our house with the house behind ours on fire.  The house on fire is in a flag lot with 5 other homes surrounding the house.  Everyone in the neighborhood thought our house was on fire.While Kels and I were out for dinner, this is what Ray was doing, trying to keep the fire away from our house.  The video is only 2 minutes long, but it gets freaky near the end when windows get blown out and the firefighter yelling for water to be turned on.  There were 5 other homes that had damage and one of the homes, the family had to move out for 2 months because their house also caught fire and another house had windows blown out.  Our house was the ONLY house that did not have any damage or smoke damage.  We were blessed.

If I was home, I would have had a heart attack.  Ray said if I was home, he would have had me up on the upper deck with a water hose trying to put out the fire.  I strongly believe Ray and a neighbor saved our house by using our garden hoses that kept the fire at bay.  Ray had to use his shirt over his nose and mouth because of the smoke.  He kept wondering when the firefighters were coming.  Because of the heat and winds, there were 75 firefighters and 10 fire engines along with a fire truck with a ladder.

More pictures of of the house on fire: 

Song:  “Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)” song by HILLSONG UNITED

On the morning of 09/05/2014, I went to Providence Newberg Medical Center to have my yearly mammogram and ultrasound.  After putting on the small hospital gown, I was directed to a room to have the mammogram.  The tech stated there were no orders for an ultrasound to be done after the mammogram and I would need to reschedule.  Geewhiz!  I explained this mammo visit was set up 2 months ago and this was the only day I have off from work.  I just had blood work done an hour ago, and if I have to reschedule it will be sometime in November, 2 months from now.  The scheduler somehow managed for an ultrasound to take place TODAY, as long as I would wait for an hour.  No problem, I can wait and so back to the dressing room I went to put on that flimsy hospital gown.

After a set of mammogram pictures taken, I was told by the tech that I had microcalcifications in clusters in each breast and another set of mammogram pictures with magnification were done.  After the mammogram, I was directed to the ultrasound room.  An ultrasound tech came in and was told to focus in a certain area on my left side to try and find a lump/mass/tumor.  We both hunted for this lump and nothing showed up.   Finally, a radiologist came into the room and discussed my mammogram results.  The radiologist stated that due to the microcalcifications in clusters in each breast,  we could wait for about 3 months or even 6 months and have another mammogram to see if anything grows or move forward with a double breast biopsy.  He explained that the small microcalcifications could be due to age, hormones, and a dozen of reasons, but one of the bad reasons could be pre-cancer cells starting to form and some of the cells are dying off and turning into mineral deposits causing these microcalcifications.  Radiologist also stated he did not see any mass, lump, or tumor which means there is an 80% chance of having NO cancer, but thought a double breast biopsy would be a good idea and I would be hearing from a nurse to schedule the biopsy.

I left the hospital and was just in shock.  I sat in the car at the hospital parking lot and called my husband and told him the news.  I then decided to take a drive and drove straight to Lincoln City, Oregon and sat at the beach watching the waves come to shore, trying to not panic and clear my head.  My cell phone rang and it was the nurse and we scheduled the double breast biopsy for September 18, 2014.

I had no idea that this would be the start of the emotional roller coaster ride with numerous office visits, and trying to juggle time off from my job to attend all the clinic visits, the financial costs I will be having to pay out of pocket due to a high $10,000 out of pocket max, especially when diagnosed at the end of the year and having no problem meeting that deductible and then starting the new year having to meet a new high deductible.  So completely unfair!!  My husband, Ray, just started a new job and we were not given the opportunity to get cancer insurance until October (a few weeks after being diagnosed) and you are to be cancer free.  I tend to have the worst dumb luck, yet my name, Nadine, means HOPE.  The stress of this diagnosis and what it does not only to yourself, but to your family and friends is unreal.   Some people say stress can cause cancer, but yet cancer sure as heck causes way more stress.