I just had a preop breast surgeon visit this morning and my date for double mastectomy with reconstruction is set for November 12th, Wednesday and surgery should begin around 11:30 am at Providence Newberg,  I will stay at the hospital for supposedly 1 night.  I will have my own breast surgeon, plastic surgeon, pathologist, anesthesiologist, and oncologist during surgery.  I will be under anesthesia for around 7-8 hrs and could be longer if dye shows up in the lymph nodes which means lymph nodes need to be removed and that is an additional hour being under anesthesia for one breast.  I have cancer in BOTH breasts.  Depending how it all goes, I might have allograft with expanders.  Then wait a few months and finish with another quick surgery of placing implants and a little bit of skin grafting for cosmetic purposes.  After surgery, I will be seeing a physical therapist.  At this point, I just want all cancer out and gone and no cancer in the lymph nodes.  I have peace over all of this.  God will be with me every step of the way!  I love my breast surgeon, oncologist, and plastic surgeon.  I  have a great team who will be fighting my breast cancer for me.  Finally, a game plan has been made!  Yay!

I have been glued to my cell phone; waiting for the call from the breast surgeon’s office to tell me when I am scheduled for surgery.  There is so much to do to get ready for surgery.  I was at work and my cell phone went off.  I couldn’t answer it because I was on the phone at work.  Within 10 minutes, I called back the office and spoke to the MA.  My surgery was set for November 12th, Wednesday and I am to arrive to the hospital at 9:00 AM.  I was not to eat or drink anything after midnight.  Surgery will be performed at 12:30 PM.  Another surgery has been scheduled for that morning and once that person is done with surgery, mine will be next.  It was the perfect date for both the breast surgeon and plastic surgeon.  My breast surgeon is also pregnant with her third child and due the first of the year.   So this surgery needed to take place and I definitely wanted my breast surgeon to be present to get rid of all cancer.

Also, my dad and his wife are flying in that morning, the 12th, from Arizona.  The plan was that they were to stay with us for around 2 weeks along with their dog, Sedona, a Jack Russell.  They had airfare tickets back in August, before I even had a scheduled mammo.

Even though my dad was coming out, there was no way I would expect them to take care of me.  That was NOT the plan.  His wife, my step-mom, has been fighting ovarian cancer for years and years.   Her cancer counts were up at 4,000 quite a few years ago and now they are down to a single digit.  She has been living with chemo for years and finally was getting off of chemo and wanted to make a visit.  My step-mom lived in Portland, Oregon and her ex-husband is here along with her son, daughter, grand-daughter and 2 great grand-kids along with lots of friends.  They have plans and sightseeing to do.  They want to head to the coast and maybe try and get to Bend, Oregon, but depends on the weather.   There is no way I want them to have to sit in my house taking care of me.  Besides, Ray was going to work from home for a week so if I need anything, he would be right here to help me.

Still, it was bizarre that my dad and his wife were flying in that morning, the day of surgery.  Kinda makes one think what might happen with me during surgery, but I try not to go there with those thoughts.

My preop breast surgeon visit was set up for October 29th to go over what I need to do before surgery.  Here we go.  A game plan has been finalized.

This afternoon, 10/27/2014,  I met my second plastic surgeon.  This time, Ray came with me to the office visit.  The doctor was wonderful.  By using her laptop, she explained in detail the procedure of having a mastectomy with immediate expanders being placed after the mastectomy.  What sealed the deal was this plastic surgeon supports Breast Friends.  I just met two women who started Breast Friends quite a few years ago and joined their support group.  This office visit with the plastic surgeon was night and day compared to the first plastic surgeon’s office nightmare visit.  Both Ray and I were very pleased with this surgeon and felt this was the one who I could work with and when I left the office, I knew I was going to have a great team who was willing to work for me and support me and fight my cancer.  Their office was going to contact my breast surgeon’s office and work together for a surgery date and I will be notified by my breast surgeon’s office of the BIG date and time!  Yikes!

Portland, Oregon had a horrible wind storm.  Around 140,00 customers were without power and lots of trees down.  Our power went out and I decided to decorate the Christmas tree.  After I was done, our power came back.  Shazam!!  The tree lit up.  I bet I’m the earliest one decorating.  Haha.  As some of you know, I am seeing another plastic surgeon Monday and if it all goes well, I will notify my breast surgeon and then surgery will be set for a double mastectomy with reconstruction, probably during the holidays. I will not be myself for at least 3 weeks.  No moving the arms above my head and cannot lift anything over a pound.  I decided to decorate early since I don’t know when surgery will take place.  I have some Thanksgiving things up, but Christmas is my favorite holiday, can you tell??  🙂

I went to work this morning.  I was emotional, but didn’t want my boss to see me so worked up.  I called my breast surgeon’s office from work and talked to the wonderful MA.  I explained to her the conversation at my plastic surgeon’s office visit yesterday, actually 15 hours ago, and I demanded another referral to see a second plastic surgeon because there was NO WAY I was going to have the plastic surgeon touch me.  I also explained I am ready to throw in the towel and just forget all this cancer stuff ever happened.  After all, I was told I really don’t have cancer yesterday, late afternoon. I was not wanting to go in today to get a lousy ultrasound done with possible lymph node biopsy.  I mean, WHY, if I supposedly don’t have cancer.  The MA told me to call the nurse navigator which I immediately did.  I explained to the wonderful nurse navigator what happened at my office visit and how the results were discussed that I really didn’t have cancer so why am I doing this stupid lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy?? With possible results changing from a stage 0 to a possible stage 2 to 3??  I explained, ” I am SO CLOSE to saying forget all of this and I will just have another mammo in a year.”  The nurse navigator calmed me down on the phone and she stated she was going to meet me when I arrive at the hospital for my lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy at 1:00 PM.  She asked if I was going to get a ride home and I told her my husband was going to meet me at the hospital and take me home.  As for my car, it can wait till late evening and my husband can get a friend to pick up my car and bring it home.

I got off the phone and started my day with patients coming into the office.  Soon, it was time for me to leave work.  My wonderful coworker came in to cover for me.  I left work and headed to the hospital for this lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy thing and dreaded all of this.  I still have not been able to wrap my brain around having cancer in BOTH breasts.  I was in such a mood and didn’t want to do any of this.  As I was waiting in the waiting room (which I was getting tired of waiting rooms and office visits), I received a text from Ray stating he was almost at the hospital and would be waiting for me in the waiting room when all this crap was over.

My name was called and I was led down a long hallway (these long sterile white hallways were getting old fast) and all of a sudden, I FROZE.  I just stood there.  I couldn’t move.  The nurse, dressed in her scrubs, stopped and looked at me and said it was this way, and I just stood there.  Again, I wouldn’t move.  She asked if I was okay.  I just looked at her with a blank look on my face and slowly the words came out of my mouth, “I can’t do this, I just can’t do this!”  I started to turn around and wanted to RUN LIKE HECK out of that long white hallway, but I knew Ray would have blocked me from bolting out of the waiting room.  The nurse took my arm and said I was going to be fine and started leading me toward a room to change my clothes.  I ended up following her.

I felt like I was in a dream.  My mind and emotions were all over the place.  I was now led into a room and jumped up on a high bed.  I started freezing and my body was shaking.  A warm blanket draped over my body.  Then a nurse navigator came in and introduced herself.  She was the nurse who has been calling me, checking up on me, and handles any of my questions or concerns.  She also suggests what bras to buy after a mastectomy, etc.  Then another nurse navigator came in (the one who I had spoken to that morning).  First thing she said, “Oh look, we are having a PARTY!”  She was so full of wonderful energy and such a sweet, loving spirit.  She gave me a Xanax tablet and placed it under my tongue to absorb quickly to try to calm me down.  My nerves were completely shot.   Then the other nurse navigator gave me a hug and said, “You feel incredibly too warm and are you running a fever?”  I said no, it was just me being emotionally upset over this whole scenario.

The Xanax was working quickly.  Then the radiology tech came in and saw the 3 of us and again the free spirit nurse navigator said, “We were having a big party now!”  The tech smiled and the two nurse navigators had to leave me and gave me hugs.  They were going to call and check up on me later when I arrive home.

The x-ray tech started with the ultrasound.  I was pretty much in La-La Land from the Xanax, THANK GOD!  My right side was done first and she took a black marker and marked to where she thought maybe the radiologist would do a lymph node biopsy.  Great!  Just GREAT!  I am being marked for the BIOPSY.  The thought of a knife cutting into my armpit was enough for me to jump out of the bed and say, screw all of this, but then the Xanax was really working now.  I was getting more calm.  Then the left side was done and she marked 2 areas where biopsies might be done.  The tech told me that there were 2 radiologists who were reading my reports and one of them was the same one who read my MRI and happened to be one of their excellent radiologists who requested this lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy be done.

After the ultrasound was done, the tech told me she was going to leave the room and it could take about 20 minutes for the two radiologists to read the ultrasound report and then they would be in to do the biopsy, IF needed.  Olga, the x-ray tech, gave me the push button remote for when I needed anything.  I wouldn’t have push the button because I wanted to sneak out of the room and go home.

Olga (the x-ray tech) came in and spoke with such a happy voice!  “Nadine….NO BIOPSY IS NEEDED and you are set to go home!”  Woohoo!!!  Thank you God!  I am now the most happiest woman alive!  I just wanted to thank everyone for all their prayers!  I was a nervous, emotional mental wreck and I was able to meet my angels (2 nurse navigators) who coached me along to get this ultrasound with possible biopsy done and wonderful sweet Olga who performed my ultrasound.  NO BIOPSY WAS NEEDED.  Woohoo!  Two radiologists read my ultrasound and IF there was any question on that ultrasound, a biopsy would be performed.  Olga went on to say, “It is all clear Nadine….nothing in the lymph nodes and no biopsy will be performed!!”  And did I EVER let all my mixed emotions out!!  Poor Olga.  Haha.  I kept hugging her. Woohoo!  I was crying, laughing, happy, tired, felt such relief.  I am so thankful for everyone’s prayers.

When I went out to the waiting room, there was Ray and I was literally jumping up and down and was beyond thrilled and THE HAPPIEST WOMAN EVER!  Obviously, the Xanax was kicking in too!  🙂  Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride!!!

Ray has been to all my office visits.  This plastic surgeon should be a piece of cake and Ray was going to be busy with meetings at work, so I went by myself.  WHAT A BIG MISTAKE!!!!

I just got an earful from the plastic surgeon.  Not good at all and I have too many options when it comes to having cancer in BOTH breasts.  I am also somewhat big on top, for the last 3 years….hahaha…. which makes it worse, a size D.  It seemed this plastic surgeon wanted to perform a lumpectomy, do a breast reduction on me, lift the breasts, and mentioned how awesome I would look.  Then I would have radiation which can deform breasts, and since early DCIS can come back (as she knocks on her wooden desk and as I think about it, she did it several times), I would then have to get a mastectomy and I could not have reconstruction because radiation would kill good breast tissue, and I would not heal properly to have a breast reconstruction.  What the heck??  She also went on to say that the breast surgeon really does not do much of anything, and breast surgeon is more like a coach while the plastic surgeon does EVERYTHING.  She continued and said I really don’t have cancer.  I looked at her in shock and said, “Well…… I have microinvasion on my left.”  Plastic surgeon said, “I thought it was just the right side that you have DCIS!”  I told her I had cancer in BOTH and my left was already microinvasion.  She looked puzzled and then brushed it off and said, “Well, you really don’t have cancer!”  Again, I was shocked and thought to myself then WHY THE HECK am I having an ultrasound with possible lymph node biopsy procedure within 24 hours?

The plastic surgeon seemed to be in a mood.  She seemed like she was busy and wanted to head home as I was her last appointment of the day.  She kept saying how we could reschedule this appointment for another time!!  Are you kidding me?  She has NO IDEA how difficult it was for me to leave work for this appointment.

Right now??  I am just ready to say FORGET ALL OF THIS and I am ready to lose it.  I DON’T WANT TO DO ANY OF THIS!!!!  I am ready to just say…..FORGET IT ALL….no surgery, no NOTHING and just pretend none of this has happened.

But now, I have to deal with this lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy of my lymph nodes TOMORROW and I hate to say it…….but….. I am beginning to wonder if it is in my lymph node area.  There is no logical explanation of how it can be, since my cancer is supposed to be localized and actually, the plastic surgeon said, I actually don’t have real cancer?? Yay!  AWESOME!!!  The cancer is just precancer cells she states.  SO WHY THE HECK am I having an ultrasound with possible core biopsy in my armpit area to check and see if cancer is in my lymph nodes??  Why bother then??  Sorry, you all are getting the brunt of how I am feeling.  I wish to God there was a lump, then it would help me to decide better of what route to take and know what the heck I am doing.  The procedure tomorrow could show I am stage 3 and be invasive, yet plastic surgeon just told me I don’t have cancer??

Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride again.  There is NO WAY I am ever going to work with this plastic surgeon.

I am sitting with Ray and listening to my breast surgeon going over my MRI results.  Here we go.  MRI showed residual cells on my right.  Basically, the breast biopsy didn’t get all the cancer cells which is fine because surgery is imminent anyway.  My left shows no residual at all. Yay!  Breast biopsy got all the cancer on the left (still need surgery though), but for some reason, there is thickening showing in a lymph node area under my armpits, especially my left armpit.  Go figure!  Could be due to breast biopsy when pulling away tissue (and me doing a lot of push ups lately..hahaha).  I am being scheduled (hopefully next week) to get ultrasound with possible lymph node biopsy, if needed, for both underarms to check the lymph node areas.  Yikes, a possible core needle biopsy in the armpit area? Really??? I have a game plan though!!!  YIPPEE!  The unknown is just about done.  I am opting for the double breast mastectomy.  I am DONE with this emotional roller coaster ride.   I am praying and hoping my lymph nodes were not touched.  I see plastic surgeon on Monday.  Then, surgery should be in about 3-4 weeks.  Gee, all these tests for early breast cancer, the unknown of this and that, and having no mass, lump, or tumor?  As a friend of mine would say, there is no turning back and just need to move forward with the game plan.  As someone I love dearly said, it is a massive bump in the road and this will all be done soon.  It has been difficult, especially since I fight fear of the unknown. 

This is EXACTLY how I was feeling before I saw the surgeon to get my MRI results. “The unknown is not what to be afraid of, it’s only when the unknown becomes known that one can decide whether to be afraid or not.”  ― Markus Peterson.

I keep telling myself this is going to be one crazy wild adventure ride.  I know I can do this, as long as I have my support group, friends, family, and God by my side each step of the way.

I can hardly sleep at all tonight.  I wanted this surgeon visit to be completely done and hopefully have a game plan after the MRI reading.  Feeling yucky in the stomach.  Just saw the moon and it looks awesome. Half the moon is covered in darkness, but with a touch of light coming through that darkness with giant long horizontal rays on each side of the moon.  I was fortunate to see the eclipse tonight.  This whole breast cancer has been an emotional roller coaster ride.  One minute, cancer is caught early, but next minute I am having a test done to see if it has spread and so on.  This whole thing is too emotional.  I need a game plan.

Oh joy! Waiting for this MRI to get started. Nothing like seeing posters and banners everywhere about breast cancer awareness.  Believe me…..I am fully aware of breast cancer! Hahaha.  It is October which is Breast Cancer Awareness Month AND my Birthday month.  I am all for breast awareness, but being diagnosed and having to go through breast cancer in October is too much info being plastered EVERYWHERE.  I went to pick up my blood pressure pills and what do you know!  My prescription bottle had a pink cap on it to remind me of Breast Cancer Awareness.

I did not want to be here at the hospital for this MRI.  I have been trying to schedule most of my office visits when I am not working including this MRI which I scheduled at 7:00 PM.  I had a breast MRI done 6 years prior and it was HORRIBLE!   It was performed at another place and it was the most degrading procedure I have ever had in my life.  My boobs were basically hanging through holes while I was laying on a stretcher.  No coverage at all.  I had a break while I was in the machine and I looked back and saw 6 people gawking at me through a glass window and 3 were MALES!!!  All 6 people didn’t know I was looking at them and they were having a grand ole time, laughing, talking and when they saw me looking at them, they were all embarrassed and looked away.  I was just about ready to slide out of that machine and screw this whole thing.  After MRI was done 6 years ago, I did get the results which basically showed NOTHING.  It was all questionable and I was to have another MRI performed in 6 months and there was NO WAY I was going through that humiliating, degrading process ever again.  I elected for a BSGI to be performed which was completely new and those results came back negative.

While I was waiting for this MRI to be performed, I was all alone.  Ray was on his way home from work.  A radiology tech came out to the waiting room where I was sitting by myself and she called my name and I got up and followed her down the long hallway to the room where the loud machine was, waiting for me.  The tech was super nice and I told her my experience with the last MRI that was done at Epic Imaging.  The tech could not believe it and how unprofessional those techs were in handling me as a patient.  I just thought it was the norm of how MRI goes when it comes to breasts.

This MRI was night and day compared to the last MRI that was performed 6 years ago.  My breasts were constantly covered, even when my boobs were dangling out of holes while I was on a stretcher, facing down, there was a sheet and towel covering my breasts so no one could see my boobs.   The whole MRI process was done quickly.  I was so exhausted when MRI was being performed and since it was around 7:30 PM, I was falling asleep while the loud machine of the MRI was taking pictures.  Sometimes the machine sounded like an automatic gun machine firing off.

The whole process was was easy and not degrading at all.  The tech was wonderful and I couldn’t believe it was just her and no one else, like the last place who had 6 people looking at you through a glass window.  I was going to get my results in a few days from the breast surgeon a my next appointment.

As I walked out to the waiting area, there was Ray, waiting for me.  Boy was I glad to see him.  I ran up to him and he had his arms wide open and I couldn’t wait to be in his arms while he was holding me.  I was so happy to see him and I felt so secure and so loved and not alone anymore.

Wow! At 5:03PM tonight, it was 2 weeks ago when I was diagnosed with bilateral breast cancer and for that whole weekend, I had no idea what type of cancer was in my body.  I couldn’t call anyone because offices were closed Saturday and Sunday.  As of today, I am still numb and still in shock by it all, but I have peace and keeping myself busy.