I went to work this morning.  I was emotional, but didn’t want my boss to see me so worked up.  I called my breast surgeon’s office from work and talked to the wonderful MA.  I explained to her the conversation at my plastic surgeon’s office visit yesterday, actually 15 hours ago, and I demanded another referral to see a second plastic surgeon because there was NO WAY I was going to have the plastic surgeon touch me.  I also explained I am ready to throw in the towel and just forget all this cancer stuff ever happened.  After all, I was told I really don’t have cancer yesterday, late afternoon. I was not wanting to go in today to get a lousy ultrasound done with possible lymph node biopsy.  I mean, WHY, if I supposedly don’t have cancer.  The MA told me to call the nurse navigator which I immediately did.  I explained to the wonderful nurse navigator what happened at my office visit and how the results were discussed that I really didn’t have cancer so why am I doing this stupid lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy?? With possible results changing from a stage 0 to a possible stage 2 to 3??  I explained, ” I am SO CLOSE to saying forget all of this and I will just have another mammo in a year.”  The nurse navigator calmed me down on the phone and she stated she was going to meet me when I arrive at the hospital for my lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy at 1:00 PM.  She asked if I was going to get a ride home and I told her my husband was going to meet me at the hospital and take me home.  As for my car, it can wait till late evening and my husband can get a friend to pick up my car and bring it home.

I got off the phone and started my day with patients coming into the office.  Soon, it was time for me to leave work.  My wonderful coworker came in to cover for me.  I left work and headed to the hospital for this lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy thing and dreaded all of this.  I still have not been able to wrap my brain around having cancer in BOTH breasts.  I was in such a mood and didn’t want to do any of this.  As I was waiting in the waiting room (which I was getting tired of waiting rooms and office visits), I received a text from Ray stating he was almost at the hospital and would be waiting for me in the waiting room when all this crap was over.

My name was called and I was led down a long hallway (these long sterile white hallways were getting old fast) and all of a sudden, I FROZE.  I just stood there.  I couldn’t move.  The nurse, dressed in her scrubs, stopped and looked at me and said it was this way, and I just stood there.  Again, I wouldn’t move.  She asked if I was okay.  I just looked at her with a blank look on my face and slowly the words came out of my mouth, “I can’t do this, I just can’t do this!”  I started to turn around and wanted to RUN LIKE HECK out of that long white hallway, but I knew Ray would have blocked me from bolting out of the waiting room.  The nurse took my arm and said I was going to be fine and started leading me toward a room to change my clothes.  I ended up following her.

I felt like I was in a dream.  My mind and emotions were all over the place.  I was now led into a room and jumped up on a high bed.  I started freezing and my body was shaking.  A warm blanket draped over my body.  Then a nurse navigator came in and introduced herself.  She was the nurse who has been calling me, checking up on me, and handles any of my questions or concerns.  She also suggests what bras to buy after a mastectomy, etc.  Then another nurse navigator came in (the one who I had spoken to that morning).  First thing she said, “Oh look, we are having a PARTY!”  She was so full of wonderful energy and such a sweet, loving spirit.  She gave me a Xanax tablet and placed it under my tongue to absorb quickly to try to calm me down.  My nerves were completely shot.   Then the other nurse navigator gave me a hug and said, “You feel incredibly too warm and are you running a fever?”  I said no, it was just me being emotionally upset over this whole scenario.

The Xanax was working quickly.  Then the radiology tech came in and saw the 3 of us and again the free spirit nurse navigator said, “We were having a big party now!”  The tech smiled and the two nurse navigators had to leave me and gave me hugs.  They were going to call and check up on me later when I arrive home.

The x-ray tech started with the ultrasound.  I was pretty much in La-La Land from the Xanax, THANK GOD!  My right side was done first and she took a black marker and marked to where she thought maybe the radiologist would do a lymph node biopsy.  Great!  Just GREAT!  I am being marked for the BIOPSY.  The thought of a knife cutting into my armpit was enough for me to jump out of the bed and say, screw all of this, but then the Xanax was really working now.  I was getting more calm.  Then the left side was done and she marked 2 areas where biopsies might be done.  The tech told me that there were 2 radiologists who were reading my reports and one of them was the same one who read my MRI and happened to be one of their excellent radiologists who requested this lymph node ultrasound with possible biopsy be done.

After the ultrasound was done, the tech told me she was going to leave the room and it could take about 20 minutes for the two radiologists to read the ultrasound report and then they would be in to do the biopsy, IF needed.  Olga, the x-ray tech, gave me the push button remote for when I needed anything.  I wouldn’t have push the button because I wanted to sneak out of the room and go home.

Olga (the x-ray tech) came in and spoke with such a happy voice!  “Nadine….NO BIOPSY IS NEEDED and you are set to go home!”  Woohoo!!!  Thank you God!  I am now the most happiest woman alive!  I just wanted to thank everyone for all their prayers!  I was a nervous, emotional mental wreck and I was able to meet my angels (2 nurse navigators) who coached me along to get this ultrasound with possible biopsy done and wonderful sweet Olga who performed my ultrasound.  NO BIOPSY WAS NEEDED.  Woohoo!  Two radiologists read my ultrasound and IF there was any question on that ultrasound, a biopsy would be performed.  Olga went on to say, “It is all clear Nadine….nothing in the lymph nodes and no biopsy will be performed!!”  And did I EVER let all my mixed emotions out!!  Poor Olga.  Haha.  I kept hugging her. Woohoo!  I was crying, laughing, happy, tired, felt such relief.  I am so thankful for everyone’s prayers.

When I went out to the waiting room, there was Ray and I was literally jumping up and down and was beyond thrilled and THE HAPPIEST WOMAN EVER!  Obviously, the Xanax was kicking in too!  🙂  Talk about an emotional roller coaster ride!!!